I don’t have a ladder, OK?
Sooner or later we all face a moment of insecurity, of panic, of terror in our homes: the moment when it is necessary to make a repair or repair.
To carry out this task, there are two kinds of people: the mcgyvers that they fix a skin, a power plant or a space shuttle, and at the other end the useless for all service.
There is a third species: those who are clever, but “until there”: they can take the faucet apart but not put it back together and they can have a lot of tools in their house but they don’t know how to use them or even what they are for.
Summarizing: there are people who give morning, there are people who are morning and there is another who calls someone to come and solve the problem tomorrow.
And the dreaded moment arrives. The professional enters the home, makes an ocular inspection… and it is like the psychoanalyst: he only emits monosyllables: “Aha” “mmmm” “oops” “Ahem” “oh oh”, until he gives his verdict: a 15-minute speech that more than explains why he loses his tap It sounds like a TED talk on plumbing.
After such a demonstration of knowledge, you feel in good hands. “This guy knows,” you think, and relax. And there, when you relax, comes the lacerating phrase: “You have to break”, he tells you, and you, like Marlon Brando, think: “The horror, the horror”
There is no turning back: you have to proceed with the repair, be it plumbing, electricity, painting, locksmithing or simply specialists in breakages.
The date is set, a budget is set and off we go: heading into the unknown.
They come to your house. First problem: they always lack something. And they ask you, depending on the case, where there is a hardware store, a corralón or a cabaret nearby.
And there they go, -not without first asking you for “some cash”, since this expense “was not foreseen”-, which makes you doubt his entire TED talk, in which he did not foresee that to paint you needed turpentine and a roller .
And it comes out. And she’s late coming back. Sometimes it takes half an hour, sometimes a couple of hours, sometimes it takes two or three days to come back!
Upon returning, another TED talk: “turns out-this-pipe-is-thread-three-quarters-of-a-discontinued-material-and-is-only-available-in-one-place- and-I-had-to-go-to-Monte-de-la-Lora-to-get it….” And immediately afterwards he throws at you: “Let’s hope it works, hehe” (which is when you’re grateful that you don’t know how to handle large-caliber weapons).
As soon as the task has started, the orders begin: “Master: do you by any chance have a bucket?” Yes, I have a bucket, but not for you to mix cement. It’s my only bucket, and it’s the one I have to use to wash down after you leave…
“Boss: do you by any chance have an extension?” No. I don’t have an extension cord. Bah, I do have an extension cord, but it’s being used and if I give it to you I’ll be left without a TV, computer, refrigerator. Macho: You came to do a job where, according to your TED talk, an extension was surely needed. Bring your extension cord!
“Lady: don’t you have an old sheet to cover so that it doesn’t get dusty?” Let’s see: you knew you were coming to break everything. A floor cloth, ok. No one is denied. But my sheets… no!
And the question that drives me crazy: “Don: You don’t have a ladder, do you?” None of them have a ladder. Never. AND I HAVE NO LADDER! I’m tall. I get to all the places in my apartment. And I’m not buying a ladder because I DON’T NEED IT. Come with your ladder or with your stool!
Does everyone have a ladder in the house? I do not think so. I have not seen that it is the best selling item. I understand that if he has to work on the roof he needs a ladder, but he also knew that he was coming to do the roof and a ladder was needed. And he didn’t bring a ladder. And I don’t have a ladder, okay?! make cachurra rode the donkey, get on a wheelie, get a crate of applesbut if it was on the roof… you had to bring your ladder!
And they start the work: in general they have an assistant, who seems to be an apprentice, who is left alone and in charge of all the work. And one doubts his technical capacity, since he wasn’t the one hired, and besides, he doesn’t have tarpaulins to cover, or extension cords… He doesn’t even have a ladder to reach the roof!
And the work begins. noises. Hits. Hammering. Okay. The expected. They stop. “Ready” you think. And you lie down to rest for a while.
It doesn’t matter how much time has passed between the cessation of the blows and the moment you lie down to rest: at that precise moment, the hammering resumes.
They stop. You start reading or working. The hammer blows are back. And if it’s not hammering, the drill, and if it’s not the drill, the grinder… and the only thing that comforts you is knowing that when night falls they’re going to go home to sleep.
Three days after the work, which was supposed to last a couple of hours, you timidly ask: “And when do you think they will be able to finish?”
There is no bricklayer, architect, nuclear engineer, or common contractor who can answer such a simple question. The babbling begins: “And… it depends”, “there is a lot of humidity and it doesn’t dry”, “73 more kilos of plaster are needed”, “these old lead pipes break easily”… or the lapidary: “It will be cheaper and faster to move, you know boss?“
And it’s all so stressful and it’s so complicated to know how much you’re going to end up with, and above all, how long it’s going to take that sometimes I wonder: God created the world in seven days… could it be that four were included in the original budget?
