wild monkeys
Someone should write an instruction manual for life, urgently. The oldest in existence, the 10 commandments, is no longer enough to govern human behavior.
Take supermarkets, for example. Not even Moses himself on Mount Sinai could imagine that one day someone would take him ahead with the monkey, because instead of looking at the people around him, the driver of the vehicle in question is looking at the prices of the products and does not register that your ankles are in his way. And one cannot respond with a bang to the liver, because if not, instead of a supermarket, the place would become a crash track. (Mmm… not a bad idea… she left them itching).
And when you enter the supermarket, the supermarket is not interested in your social behavior. He is only interested in you not worrying about anything and that you buy more than you need. Because if not, at the entrance, instead of a sign that says “smile, we are filming you”, there should be a sign that explains how a human being should behave in a supermarket.
one “Don’t leave your monkey crossed and abandoned in the middle of the hallway”
The corridor is not his, and neither is the monkey. And don’t be offended if someone kicks your monkey and sends it from the lollipop aisle to the floor rag aisle, two branches away. The monkey should not be left abandoned. And much less with two children inside.
two “If you meet an acquaintance, don’t stay chatting in the hallway with the monkeys blocking the way”
And not only that. Try to chat in a low voice, something to be able to hear when I come and tell you “excuse me” for the fifteenth time and you are there, like the owner of the hall entertaining a deluxe guest. Get off. The changuito in the kidney, it hurts.
3 “The supermarket is not a theme park”
Don’t go with your whole family on an outing. If you want to walk, go somewhere outdoors and if it rains, don’t go anywhere, or go, but with an umbrella. But don’t go on a trip to the supermarket! The rest of us aren’t walking around and you’re… annoying. “Don’t rearrange everything in the gondola.” The stocker is not YOUR employee. And if you mix white rice with brown rice, sushi rice with berreta rice and leave the packages in any position, then the price on the shelf will not match. And know: a kilo of rice thrown 3 meters away that hits your head can be very painful. Especially for rice.
4“Not everyone thinks like you”
The only thing that all of us who go to the supermarket agree on is that everything is very expensive. Ergo, do not go around trying to put together talks with phrases like “Does it look like me or did they shrink the container?” “Are these seeds good?” or “The military have to come back here.” I already have my group of friends and you are not part of it. I do not want to talk. It’s not that he’s not sociable. It’s just that I already realized that we’re going to end up thrashing about pepas over our heads. “It’s not worth leaving the monkey alone in the queue and going to continue shopping.” And much less, do it in front of me. Because if the line advances, I’m not going to push the monkey or respect your turn. I advance and leave your monkey behind. It is more: it is even possible that with a taquito it pushes it further. As much as possible so that it hits you in the ankles.
5 “It is not worth leaving a person in the checkout line while you continue shopping”
Not only is it in bad taste, but everyone, ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE, is going to look at you wanting you to choke on everything in your monkey, be it food, candy or the broomstick that sticks out dangerously and hopefully hits you in one eye, you and your henchman. Society despises those who practice this trap. If they don’t let you know, it’s because the packet of seeds is too expensive to throw it around, and in this case, two packets of seeds would be needed. “If the box says 15 or fewer products, don’t go with 16, 17 or 53 products.” We are all counting how many products you have, and we already realized that you exceed what is allowed. This would be very easy to fix: instead of us all starting yelling, “Hey, Hey! It is the box of 15 products and you have 64! To the queue, to the queue!” You should be charged 5000% more. But beware: the money does not go to the supermarket. It is to be distributed among those of us in the queue of 15 with 100 grams of cold cuts and a yoghurt on offer.
6 “Don’t try to play rogue by saying, ‘Would you let me in? I have two little things’”
It is the row of 15 products. We all have two little things! The cold meat, the yogurt, and the pepas. Well, three. It’s the first week of the month and many of us already get paid. Not pass. Neither with two, nor with three. We are all in a hurry to snack on the seeds with the yogurt and the cold meat.
7 “When it’s your turn to pay, have your means of payment ready”
Whether you pay by card, by check or with 8,500 pesos in 10-cent coins… have the money ready! Don’t wait for them to tell you how much it is. We don’t have all afternoon and the yogurt and cold cuts need a fridge and if the cold chain is cut… I’ll cut my seeds!
8“If you are paying and you remember that you forgot something…joke – with a jack -!”
Come another day, go out and come back in, but don’t go to the other end of the supermarket to look for the bread on offer for the cold meat, because you leave us all waiting and the bad vibes that we will throw at you will mean that no gualicho will save you from the curses and spells that we wish you.
And finally, there should be a law that protects even those who do the worst maneuvers with their little monkey. Because the most dangerous thing you can come across in a supermarket is not a human being or a monkey. The most dangerous thing you can come across in the supermarket is… the highlighter gun.
