This Saturday (20), Friendship Day is celebrated. The date was created by Argentine psychology professor and philosopher Enrique Ernesto Febbraro, inspired by man’s arrival on the moon on July 20, 1969. Febbraro believed that this human feat, more than a scientific achievement, meant the chance to make friends. Friendship Day was initially instituted in Argentina, but soon spread to other countries. In Uruguay, for example, it was adopted in the 1970s, reaching Mexico in the following decade and, in Brazil, in the 1990s.
The song Canção da América, written by Milton Nascimento and Fernando Brant, is considered a symbol of friendship in Brazil, stating that “A friend is something to be kept under lock and key, inside the heart”. This was the song that Milton sang in the tribute paid to his friend, the singer Elis Regina, who died on January 19, 1982, at the age of 36.
Human relations
According to psychologist Renata Ishida, pedagogical manager of the Life Intelligence Laboratory (LIV), we are living in a time in the world in which individualism and self-sufficiency are highly valued and encouraged. “And we forget that human beings are not built and cannot survive alone. Even human babies cannot survive without contact with others. Therefore, we need human relationships,” she says. Although life is different for each person, friendship has millions of functions. One of them is to expand our repertoire. And for children, this is essential.”
In today’s urban environment, especially, the fact that children start to interact with other people will develop their ability to communicate, empathize, think critically and be much more creative than if they were to remain within the family circle. “Meeting people outside the family helps children develop various skills, which is essential for their mental health,” said the specialist in children and adolescents.
He also highlighted that in friendship, the hierarchy that exists in the family is diluted. There is a horizontality that will develop the autonomy of the child and the adolescent. “They will be able to develop their ability to argue, to establish trust with someone outside the family, to defend themselves. This means that the friend can take care of the child, but is not responsible for him/her, as is the case within the family.”
Friendship also creates the ability to tolerate, respect and celebrate differences, because within the family, people think in a more similar way. “So, having this bond of friendship helps children understand that people are different and that doesn’t mean they are our enemies or threatening. We can identify differences as we walk through the world. But the beauty of friendship is that you recognize these differences and, even so, you don’t love them less, you don’t need to break up or think that the other person is a threat or fear to you.” Respect leads to the celebration of differences, “which is the most beautiful thing,” according to expert Renata Ishida.
According to Renata, friendship also helps in dealing with difficult situations, although a friend will not replace a therapist, if this professional is needed. “But nowadays, suffering is seen as an illness. There is no space for us to talk about suffering. And who better than a friend to listen to what we suffer from?”, she asked. Renata explained that it is easier to discuss this type of subject with friends than with parents, because children and adolescents do not want to disappoint their parents or make them sad. Sharing suffering with friends often makes the child or adolescent feel more authentic and secure, she said.
Another important point for children and adolescents is identification because, no matter how different their friends are, they realize that the other person may be going through similar situations to them. At this point, friendship takes on a more sincere place and this sometimes reduces anxiety a little. This identification allows children and adolescents to create a place in the world that is different from their family. The independence that the gang movement promotes brings risks, admitted Renata Ishida, but warned that building this intimacy and vulnerability in front of others shows that it will not harm the person and that the other person will not abuse them because they are vulnerable in front of them. On the contrary, it is a rich movement for the development of mental health and self-knowledge.
There are friendships that begin in childhood and last until old age. Renata explained that friendship is different from romantic relationships because it does not impose so many expectations and rules. This friendship allows people to be more honest and even if they do not see each other for a while, when they meet again, it seems as if there was no time lapse. Renata analyzed that, in a true friendship, where there is trust and the person feels vulnerable in front of the other, there are no demands. And the chance of this lasting is very high”. The lack of demands makes the friendship last longer. Since it does not have rules, expectations are not as high, she concluded.
All day
For journalist Marcio Vieira, celebrating friends doesn’t have a set date. “For me, every day is a friend.” He still has childhood friends from the city where he was born, Bom Jesus do Itabapoana, in the interior of the state of Rio de Janeiro, which he left at the age of 16. These childhood friends are still active. “We spend hours chatting.” He still remembers what his father used to say to him: “My son, watch who you bring into the house, who you talk to.” And, most importantly, “you can’t choose your family, but you have to choose your friends.”
Marcio Vieira and his great friend, Cláudia Silva. – Marcio Vieira/Personal Archive
Marcio Vieira has friends at all times, ready to help him in times of illness or when he needs to travel. Friends help him overcome episodes of depression and sadness, he said. “There is that friend who, when you are at rock bottom, seems to sense it and calls you.” Even when they have not seen each other for years, their friendship persists. “It remains. I think that friendship, for those who are good, for those who have a good soul, a good heart, is inherent to everything. In my opinion, it does not take years and years of living together for people to be friends.”
According to Vieira, disagreements between friends are normal. But he tries to keep the good memories because true friends will always help. “They are few, but good people.” He emphasized that when there is pressure, it is not friendship. “It took years of therapy for me to learn this.” He makes it clear that he needs friends in his life. “Friends in my life are fundamental. I cannot survive mentally and humanly without friends.” He maintained that it is a gift for a person to be willing to listen to another. “Friendship is in the essence,” he assured.
Stimulus
Because of the mental health benefits at all stages of life, it is important for children to have friendships. The statement was made to Brazil Agency by the president of the Department of Outpatient Pediatrics of the Brazilian Society of Pediatrics (SBP), Tadeu Fernandes. This occurs from the uterine life, translated by the friendship with the mother and father. Fernandes advises that parents talk to the baby inside the womb and caress the belly “because the baby feels all these manifestations”.
“The environment will be good not only for the child, but will also provide support for the parents.” After the sixth month, which is the important neurodevelopment phase, when the child begins to interact with the environment, the pediatrician emphasized that it is healthy for the child to start playing with another child. “Friendship begins there.”
During school, because parents and grandparents work, friendships with classmates should go beyond the school walls, encouraging children to meet up on weekends. Fernandes said that children should be encouraged to have physical friendships, not virtual ones, “remembering that screen time should be zero until the age of 2 and, after 2 years, only one hour. No virtual friends, but real ones.” During adolescence, the same recommendations apply to friendships, based on a careful analysis of the friends that the son or daughter will have, so that problems or diversions into illicit and legal drugs do not occur. He recommended that outdoor walks, trips to the mall, the movies, and the theater be encouraged.
Currently 68 years old, pediatrician Tadeu Fernandes said he still has friendships he made in childhood. “My true friends are still my friends today. We get together, meet up for a chat at a bar or at a friend’s house. We travel together. It’s really cool and it even serves as an example to our children and grandchildren that there are true friendships that last. Many of them are godparents and support us.” That’s why he said that childhood friends are friends for life.
IncaVolunteer
Retired accountant Maria da Assunção is a volunteer at Inca – Maria of the Assumption/Personal Archive
The Voluntary Actions Area of the National Cancer Institute (Inca), or INCAvoluntário, is considered essential to assist patients in their treatments. One example is Maria da Assunção da Silva Brum, who has been supporting patient Jailcimá Pereira de Lima, 45 years old, a housewife and Inca patient since 2015.
Jailcimá is currently undergoing chemotherapy treatment due to metastasis. “I have been receiving treatment at Inca since 2015, and I always go with my son Felipe, who was 5 years old at the time. I have a lot of affection for the volunteers at INCAvoluntário and consider them part of my family. I have spent many years with them at the hospital, especially Maria da Assunção. She always welcomes me with coffee and cookies, talks to me and my son, who is now a big boy, asks me about school, listens to me, she knows my whole life. It is a friendship that, even though it is only within the hospital, is long and very important for those who are going through treatment,” said Jailcimá.
Jailcimá and her son Felipe.- Jacilmá/Personal Archive
Maria da Assunção da Silva Brum is a retired accountant and has been a volunteer at INCAvoluntário for almost ten years. In her opinion, “the friendship between a volunteer and an oncology patient is very special because we know the person and are with them during one of the most delicate and difficult moments in their lives. It is a bond that grows stronger and stronger. It is different, of course, from a friendship outside the hospital. We give affection, attention, words of encouragement, and receive a lot of gratitude and trust in return. It is a joy to be able to welcome Jailcimá and her son over all these years, to be part of their lives. It is a connection that we will both carry with us for the rest of our lives,” she said.
