Understanding if we are friends for pleasure or for utility and other advice from the Greek philosopher Aristotle to preserve friendship

Although most of the songs are inspired by the joys and sorrows of romantic relationships, the love between friends can be just as intense and complicated. Many people struggle to make and keep friendships, and a breakup with a close friend can be just as painful as a breakup with a partner.

Despite these potential dangers, human beings have always valued friendship. As the philosopher Aristotle wrote in the fourth century BCE: “no one would choose to live without friends”although in its place it could have all the other good things.

Aristotle is known above all for his influence on science, politics, and aesthetics; he is less known for his writings on friendship.

I am a student of ancient Greek philosophy, and when I discuss this subject with my students they are amazed that a Greek thinker from the past can shed so much light on their own relationships. But perhaps it shouldn’t be surprising: friendship has existed since human beings exist.

Here, then, three lessons on the subject that Aristotle can still teach us.

The first lesson comes from Aristotle’s definition of friendship: reciprocal and recognized goodwill. Unlike fatherhood or brotherhood, friendship only exists if it is recognized by both parties. As Aristotle says:

“It is convenient, then, that one have good will for the other and wish everything well, and that they understand this about each other, and this for some of the reasons that have been said.”

Aristotle illustrates this point with an early example of a parasocial relationship: a type of one-sided relationship in which someone develops friendly feelings for, and even feels that they know, a public figure.

Aristotle offers this example: a fan can wish an athlete the best and feel emotionally invested in his success. But since the athlete does not reciprocate or acknowledge this goodwill, they are not friends.

This is as true today as it was in Aristotle’s time. Consider that he can’t even be friends with someone on Facebook unless they accept his friend request. On the other hand, you can be a follower of someone on social networks without being recognized.

However, today it may be more difficult to distinguish friendships from parasocial relationships. When content creators share details about their personal lives, their followers can develop a one-sided sense of intimacy.

They know things about the creator that, before the advent of social media, only a close friend would have known.

The creator in turn may feel goodwill towards his followers, but that is not friendship. Goodwill is not genuinely reciprocal if one party feels it toward an individual while the other feels it toward a group. In this way, Aristotle’s definition of friendship brings clarity to a uniquely modern situation.

Next, Aristotle distinguishes three types of friendship: friendship based on utility, friendship based on pleasure and friendship based on character. Each arises from what is valued in the friend: his usefulness, the pleasure of his company, or his good character.

Although character-based friendship is the highest form, you can only have a few close friends. It takes a long time to get to know someone’s character and you have to spend a lot of time together to maintain a friendship like that.

Since time is a limited resource, most friendships will be based on pleasure or utility.

Sometimes my students protest that utilitarian relationships are not really friendships. How can two people who use each other be friends? However, when both parties understand their friendship in the same way, they are not exploiting but benefiting each other.

As Aristotle explains, “differences between friends most often arise when the nature of their friendship is not what they believe it to be.”

If your fellow student thinks she’s dating her because she enjoys her company, while actually dating her because she’s good at explaining calculus, she may feel hurt.

But if you both understand that it’s up to you to improve your calculus grade and she her essay grade, you can develop mutual goodwill and respect based on each other’s strengths.

In fact, the limited nature of a utilitarian friendship it may be precisely what makes it beneficial. Consider a contemporary form of helpful friendship: the peer support group.

Since you can only have a small number of friendships based on people’s character, many people experiencing trauma or battling chronic illness do not have close friends going through these experiences.

Members of a support group are in a unique position to help each other, even though they may have very different personal values ​​and beliefs. These differences can mean that friendships never get to be based on character; however, group members may feel goodwill for one another.

In short, Aristotle’s second lesson is that there is a place for every type of friendshipand that a friendship works when there is a shared understanding of its origin.

Finally, Aristotle has something valuable to say about what makes friendships last. He affirms that friendship is a state or disposition that must sustain through activity: Just as fitness is maintained by exercising regularly, friendship is maintained by doing things together.

So what happens when you and your friend can’t engage in activities together? Aristotle writes:

“Friends who… separate are not actively friends, but have the disposition to be. Well separation does not absolutely destroy friendship, although it prevents its active exercise. However, if the absence is prolonged, it seems to cause the forgetfulness of the friendly feeling itself.

Contemporary research bears this out: friendship can persist even without common activities, but if this goes on too long, the friendship will fade. It might seem that Aristotle’s argument has lost its relevance, as communication technologies – from snail mail to FaceTime – They have made it possible to maintain friendships over great distances.

But even if physical separation no longer spells the end of a friendship, Aristotle’s lesson still holds true.

Research shows that despite technology, people who cut back on their activities in the first year of the Covid-19 pandemic experienced a corresponding decline in the quality of their friendships.

Nowadays, Just like in ancient Athens, friends must keep up by doing activities together.

Aristotle could not have imagined today’s technology, the emergence of online support groups, or the kinds of parasocial relationships that social media makes possible. However, despite everything that has changed in the world, his writings on friendship are still relevant.

*Emily Katz is an Associate Professor of PhilosophyAncient Greek Path, Michigan State University, United States.

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